DEMJDR’s blog

WHY?

nobody@vox.com(DEMJDR) — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 22:49:57 -0800

WHY FUCKING WHY!!!!???????????
WHY AM I NO LONGER ALLOWED TO GET ON MY FEET!
WHY DO I ALWAYS FIND MYSELF PLAYING THE VICTIM!
AM I JUST MEDIOCRE?
WHY HAVE I HAD THE OPPORTUNITIES I'VE HAD THEN?
WHY AM I SO F(*&ING BROKE!
WHY DOES IT ALWAYS LOOK LIKE I HAVE NO CHANCE?
WHY DOESN'T MY PESSIMISM GET PROVEN WRONG!
WHY DOESN'T MY SUSPICION GET PROVEN WRONG!
WHY DOES IT SUCK WHEN I AM RIGHT!
WHAT DO I NEED TO DO!!!
WHAT THE HELL!!!
SERIOUSLY!
ANGER! FRUSTRATION! FATIGUE!
SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT?
TIRED OF THE STRUGGLE
TIRED OF WASTING MY TIME
AM I WASTING MY TIME
IS THAT ALL THERE IS
DO I HAVE ANYTHING TO OFFER?
why am i still here?

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bad?

nobody@vox.com(DEMJDR) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 22:50:31 -0800

Is practicing putting a finger to your head
and pulling the trigger
a bad thing?

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Success

nobody@vox.com(DEMJDR) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 22:25:33 -0800

Friends, acquaintances call me a success
Yet I consider myself a failure
Yes I succeeded.....once upon a time,
I guess for some I succeed now..
but when my ideal was always different...
I have not succeeded.
Not being able to support my mom
not being able to support myself...that to me
IS ULTIMATE FAILURE.
Sure I'm "Artistic" but am I an "artist"?
and who the fu#k cares?
Can I attract beauty? Money?
none of the above.
just thrown the scraps.
Such a Richie Rich.
I can see what I have to be grateful for
but why can't i feel it and appreciate it?
why not?
instead i 'feel' that everytime i accept and appreciate
a situation it is immediately SNATCHED from me.
why? I am not my mother.
It's okay to succeed!!!!!! So why don't i!?!?

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Looking back

nobody@vox.com(DEMJDR) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 22:47:28 -0800

I remember walking home on the day of 9/11 thinking i was going to die
saying goodbye to my mom on the computer.
As I was walking through times square waiting for another plane to hit
i looked back on my life and thought, wow, it's been great, i've had some great experiences,
i accomplished the goals (however low) i set out to accomplish.
i'd love to have sex one more time but aside from that...i can go now.
i look back on my life since then and think....what a f*&king waste of space i am!
what a pitiful LOSER!

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Hopeless

nobody@vox.com(DEMJDR) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 22:11:13 -0800

Lying in bed eating everything I can think of, chips, cake, cookies....
my form of alcoholism
hopeless
IRS......Mother.......no way to win...
no way to feel like a human again....
no way to feel unbroken.....successful......worthwhile....
like a man...attractive.....talented.
40's sucks!
Everyone lied!
It's been 20 years now! I thought it would be 7 at the most!
Will i ever feel happiness again? or am i just here now
to feel suffering and hopelessness?
is my brain even capable of feeling otherwise?
or am i just made that way? manic depression. THANKS!!
what a fu63ing nightmare....life!

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This life

nobody@vox.com(DEMJDR) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:30:34 -0800

Is it too late?
Am I wasting my time?
Why am I still here?
How am I still here?
Grateful...yes....most of the time....
Happy? Well.
Do I still serve a purpose in this life?
or am I just taking up space?
has all my truly good fortune passed?
has my talent disappeared?
did it ever arrive?
did i miss it?
am i missing it now?
What do you do if you are an almost....but not quite...
and your time has passed?
The world has shifted...and I wanna shift with it...but...
change is my downfall.
Slow to accept...which leads to missed opportunities i'm thinkin'.
or are you always in the right place at the right time and things are unveiling as
they should?
I once believed that....now....what do i believe?
How do I manage to survive...or better yet, do more, much more than survive?
Why is money so important to me?
Why does the lack of that ruin and shut down my world.
whatever people told me did not work, they all lied.
And blaming them is so much easier than holding my self accountable.
But at the end of the day...i hold myself accountable, am dissapointed in myself,,,question my
talent looks charisma.
The Richie Rich complex continues.
Hope I can realize and revel in my good fortune while i am physically and mentally still with it.

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Broken?

nobody@vox.com(DEMJDR) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:08:08 -0800

Haven't been able to apply the advice of June 9th.
Wondering if I will ever come alive again....
or if i am just decaying slowly before my very eyes
and watching it all happen in front of me while being left behind.
Am I being sucked into my head and away from the world?
Overtaken by life and it's challenges
Being SWALLOWED!! Struggling for air?
Yet all around me there is nothing but calm and quiet?
Struggle. Struggle.
Will I ever be on my feet again.
Will I realize it if I am.
Am I broken....and if so.....for good?

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Imagination

nobody@vox.com(DEMJDR) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 23:16:56 -0700

You just need to let your imagination free, you can do whatever you imagine...whatever you want.

(paraphrased) Montreal Art Shop....ron

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What do you do when...

nobody@vox.com(DEMJDR) — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:26:49 -0700

What do you do when you are doing everything "right"
and it doesn't feel good, doesn't payoff in any way, doesn't
"change your life", doesn't show you that this is what you
should do more often.
What do you do when you choose "right"
and there is no payoff?

Whatever "right" is!

The first rule of human nature really
is SURVIVAL isn't it? No matter who you are
or what situation you were in.
It just has many disguises.

Ok SMILE!! :)

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Hopeless

nobody@vox.com(DEMJDR) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:49:03 -0700

Is there anyone in this fu#%ing world I can trust?

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