Is practicing putting a finger to your head
and pulling the trigger
a bad thing?
Friends, acquaintances call me a success
Yet I consider myself a failure
Yes I succeeded.....once upon a time,
I guess for some I succeed now..
but when my ideal was always different...
I have not succeeded.
Not being able to support my mom
not being able to support myself...that to me
IS ULTIMATE FAILURE.
Sure I'm "Artistic" but am I an "artist"?
and who the fu#k cares?
Can I attract beauty? Money?
none of the above.
just thrown the scraps.
Such a Richie Rich.
I can see what I have to be grateful for
but why can't i feel it and appreciate it?
why not?
instead i 'feel' that everytime i accept and appreciate
a situation it is immediately SNATCHED from me.
why? I am not my mother.
It's okay to succeed!!!!!! So why don't i!?!?
I remember walking home on the day of 9/11 thinking i was going to die
saying goodbye to my mom on the computer.
As I was walking through times square waiting for another plane to hit
i looked back on my life and thought, wow, it's been great, i've had some great experiences,
i accomplished the goals (however low) i set out to accomplish.
i'd love to have sex one more time but aside from that...i can go now.
i look back on my life since then and think....what a f*&king waste of space i am!
what a pitiful LOSER!
Lying in bed eating everything I can think of, chips, cake, cookies....
my form of alcoholism
hopeless
IRS......Mother.......no way to win...
no way to feel like a human again....
no way to feel unbroken.....successful......worthwhile....
like a man...attractive.....talented.
40's sucks!
Everyone lied!
It's been 20 years now! I thought it would be 7 at the most!
Will i ever feel happiness again? or am i just here now
to feel suffering and hopelessness?
is my brain even capable of feeling otherwise?
or am i just made that way? manic depression. THANKS!!
what a fu63ing nightmare....life!
Is it too late?
Am I wasting my time?
Why am I still here?
How am I still here?
Grateful...yes....most of the time....
Happy? Well.
Do I still serve a purpose in this life?
or am I just taking up space?
has all my truly good fortune passed?
has my talent disappeared?
did it ever arrive?
did i miss it?
am i missing it now?
What do you do if you are an almost....but not quite...
and your time has passed?
The world has shifted...and I wanna shift with it...but...
change is my downfall.
Slow to accept...which leads to missed opportunities i'm thinkin'.
or are you always in the right place at the right time and things are unveiling as
they should?
I once believed that....now....what do i believe?
How do I manage to survive...or better yet, do more, much more than survive?
Why is money so important to me?
Why does the lack of that ruin and shut down my world.
whatever people told me did not work, they all lied.
And blaming them is so much easier than holding my self accountable.
But at the end of the day...i hold myself accountable, am dissapointed in myself,,,question my
talent looks charisma.
The Richie Rich complex continues.
Hope I can realize and revel in my good fortune while i am physically and mentally still with it.
Haven't been able to apply the advice of June 9th.
Wondering if I will ever come alive again....
or if i am just decaying slowly before my very eyes
and watching it all happen in front of me while being left behind.
Am I being sucked into my head and away from the world?
Overtaken by life and it's challenges
Being SWALLOWED!! Struggling for air?
Yet all around me there is nothing but calm and quiet?
Struggle. Struggle.
Will I ever be on my feet again.
Will I realize it if I am.
Am I broken....and if so.....for good?
You just need to let your imagination free, you can do whatever you imagine...whatever you want.
What do you do when you are doing everything "right"
and it doesn't feel good, doesn't payoff in any way, doesn't
"change your life", doesn't show you that this is what you
should do more often.
What do you do when you choose "right"
and there is no payoff?
Whatever "right" is!
The first rule of human nature really
is SURVIVAL isn't it? No matter who you are
or what situation you were in.
It just has many disguises.
Ok SMILE!! :)
Is there anyone in this fu#%ing world I can trust?
Tomorrow is my father's funeral.
He was murdered by 2 men not too far from where I live really
I will not be there at the funeral
There is no need.
We have not had contact for 30 years,
this month.
His choice.
But tonight I understand my pain.
I should feel sad that my father is gone
and I should have to attend his funeral and grieve.
That is what one does when one has a father.
But I have not had a father for so long.
So I don't even have the luxury of
needing to be at the funeral
to grieve for a loved one
who raised me and who watched
me succeed
or who was an asshole and was there for me to
love and hate.
No it's just some amorphous person who
died who I vaguely remember when I was 12
who people tell me is my father
who has been the closest relative to me
geographically speaking for the past 20 years
yet the farthest relative from me
relationship wise.
I hurt that i don't have a father
to grieve for.
I never imagined that would be so sad.
But it is.
I guess I grieve for what never was
what never would have been
and now what never will be.
Caring for and working for every other youth
getting them on track as a social worker
yet not caring for his son
or his sons from what i hear.
Just another black deadbeat dad.
Cultivating the stereotype.
Fucker!
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